Tag Archives: women

Didn’t even think he had a problem

15 Jul

Macklemore is straight up beautiful.

Special thanks to “P,” the dude that introduced me to this poet lyricist mastermind. P wasn’t a very nice man. We went on 2 marginal “dates,” if you can even call it that, since one out of two times involved me picking him up in DC at 3am because he drank too much to drive. That was awfully nice of me, huh?

And then, after that, P got all flighty like I was expecting too much from him. I’m not sure if it was the rapid-fire emails about my childhood that I manically sent him one day while bored at my desk, or if it was because I don’t give a shit about the San Antonio Spurs. Which one could it be?

P broadened my horizons by informing me of all the ways I was screwing up my life. For about a month, I seriously considered what he was telling me. In a nutshell: I have no discipline. It was depressing and a real mind-f*ck, and P wasn’t even my type.

A few weeks later, a FESTIVUS MIRACLE occurred, and I met a guy “J” who liked me just the way I am, and he’s good looking and perfect for me. THANK YOU GOD.
But I’m glad P told me how much my taste in music sucked and how I should check out Macklemore. He was right on the latter part.

Here Macklemore raps about drug abuse and creativity.  Heads up, writers.

My Very Worst Date

12 Mar

Computer_Love_main

After much encouragement to try an online dating service, I decided to go the el cheapo route and signed up for Plenty of Fish. My inbox was immediately bombarded with messages, most consisting of one or two incoherent sentences. One gentleman caller stood out from the rest, and after communicating for a few months, I drove from Washington DC to Richmond to meet him in real life.

I followed his driving directions, but upon arriving at my final destination, I realized I was outside of a halfway house. He was standing there with a backpack. He looked the same as his pictures until he smiled. Both of his front teeth were missing.

I tried to make do by going to a public place with this guy to kill some time before I could exit gracefully. We went to a bar where he talked of his sobriety and pounded Red Bulls.

He was interrupted by a tall, lanky, transient-looking man who asked, “Hey man wasn’t I locked up with you?”

My date responds, “Yo! Yes man how’s it been? I knew you looked familiar.”

After catching up for a few minutes, his inmate friend left and my date filled me in on the fact that he had gone to prison in his “past” (read: recently released) for narcotics trafficking and assault with malicious intent.

We never saw each other again, but he called my phone at least once every few months for five years, to leave a message that I’m “always in heart and mind.” Our date was seven years ago.

(originally printed on My Very Worst Date in 2009.  And guess what?  I made the BEST OF page.)

Missed Connection, UnClassified

11 Mar

superman

Craigslist. Do I need say more?

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’ve probably heard of Craigslist, the Internet God of the classifieds section from hell, on steroids. According to Wikepedia, as of August 9, 2012, over 700 “cities” in 70 countries have Craigslist sites.

I’ve never been a fan.  Craigslist is the kind of  place better off reserved for emergency situations. There is some sort of hope there, on Craigslist. But for all the high traffic, it’s a lonely place.

I was pretty inebriated one chilly night in February, circa 2006. It was party all the time, party all the time, party all the ttttimmmmeeee. (s/o Eddie Murphy/Rick James!) I was over at the house of a guy I slept with from time to time. He was a drunk, so when I was with him, I never felt like my own vices were that bad. Self confidence boost. He was also cheap and only bought me drinks on special. Despite his GS-13 pay grade, 2-for-1 draft beer Thursday night was a big fuckin’ deal, as Vice President Joe Biden would say.

Remember, this chilly February night, I was definitely not sober. This is relevant. In fact, I’d say I was on a different planet, and I should’ve stayed in. But the guys, all equally el cheapo compadres, (all single. all pulled in 100k+) wanted to go to Bungalow’s. It was 2-for-1 beer night, after all!

Bungalow’s, a large bar/restaurant, was packed! Nine-to-Fivers, federal employees and other DC metro citizens just wanting to cut loose on a Thursday night. They seized the night, the bar, the pool tables, and the dance floor.

My 20s.

My 20s.

I was standing there in the middle of the bar, zoning out. The guys were all talking about boring guy stuff, name dropping things that were too boring to name drop, like names of Division Chiefs and federal government agency acronyms. The guy I came with was essentially ignoring me. But I didn’t expect much from a person who was arrested for “Drunk in Public” while checking the mail, in his own 3×3″ patch of front yard. At this point in my life, I knew what the lesser evils were.

I balanced myself by leaning against the table. The room buzzed with Top 40s hits and 8,000 simultaneous conversations. Blurry. Bored. Paranoid by the fact that I was so not myself, and being out in public. And then, something happened.

The crowd parted. A man, followed by a small entourage walked thru and stopped in front of me. He was dressed all in white. Tall, muscular, with locks of dark hair and blue eyes. He looked like Superman. He was beautiful. He grabbed my hand and did a Tim Tebow. “Girl, you are beautiful.” And then, he kissed my hand. Everyone was looking. I couldnt handle the pressure. “Thank you” I mumbled, and then took off for the Ladies Room.

WTF!!!!

WTF ?

WTFFFFFFFFFFF !!?!??

I am still kicking myself. Can you tell?

We left right after that. “Who was that guy? Wow. He was the best looking guy. I can’t believe you ran to the bathroom.” Yes. From the mouths of straight men.

I woke up completely mortified the next morning, on account of the fact that last night’s divine intervention had come and unceremoniously went. Superman had finally swooped in to fly me away, and instead I ran to the bathroom. What in fresh Miller Light hell had I done? It was a major case of the sadz.

There was nothing left. And so I did what any self-loathing, hungover young lady would do. Over on Craigslist, I found the right section, and posted an ad.

Don't cry for me, Washington, DC.

Don’t cry for me, Washington, DC.

ISO guy dressed all in white, at Bungalow’s in Springfield. Last night, you introduced yourself. When I came out of the bathroom, you were gone. If you read this, I’d love a second chance.

The ensuing silence of my Hotmail inbox was excruciating. Refresh. Refresh. Nothing. Refresh.

Refresh.

Nothing.

By the end of the day, only 2 responses: one from a random guy who goes to Bungalow’s and would like to meet me tonight instead. The other message was also from a man (not SUPERman) who’d be at Bungalow’s later. He reminded me, “these kinds of things only happen once.”

Thanks. For nothing. Craigslist.

Liars and other Pet Peeves

15 Oct

Free advice from me to you

I don’t anger easily.  So when I do, it is because someone did something really stupid.  There’s a little saying: Anger tells us when we have been betrayed-either by ourselves or by someone else.  Anger is our friend, like our gut.  Both send a strong signal; it’s up to us if and how we react.

Actually, right now I’m about to throw up I’m so pissed.  I can’t stand manipulative, sneaky liars.  Especially ones I’ve known for years and still do the same thing to me.  Duh!    Like anyone ever really “changes.”  Right?

And no, that jerk you know is not saving a better version of himself to show you one day.  People don’t do that.  If anything, they show you a public relations version of themselves, and then it goes downhill from there.  And if someone wants to give you themselves, they do.  It’s just that simple.

Don’t hang on to nostalgic notions that have long been proven unrealistic just because you love someone.  It’s ok to love someone, but remember who they are.  Simply put:

“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”  Maya Angelou

Takers will take and keep taking forever.  Trust me.  Taking is all they know, just like giving is all I know.  If you are in a relationship with a taker, I feel for you.  It’s hard to believe anyone can really be so cold, through and through.

Liars will lie and disappoint you every time.

Don’t try to figure any of these people out.  You never will, and you’ll never feel safe either.

Get away from those who give you a bad feeling.  That pit in your stomach is your digestive track sending your silly heart a bloody red flag.

RESPECT.  RESPECT. RESPECT.  If you aren’t getting it, get gone.  Cause jerks come a dime a doz, and the least you can do for yourself  is find a nicer one.

What do you think?

Anxiety

13 Sep

Things that stress me out:

*Getting out of bed.
*Mandatory attendance:Of anything, going to work included.

*The Internet:Yeah, I said it. I never realized it, but being online stresses me out, even though it’s one of the first places I go when I’m stressed. Hmm.

*My family—I try to make life easier for those I love. Not everyone knows how to do that.

*Biological clock
If you aren’t a woman, you don’t know the feeling of the inconvenient timeline thrown into life’s mix.

*Setting my alarm clock. Anxiety. Every night.

*Receiving medical attention. I avoid going to the doctor’s like I avoid ……
*Filling out paperwork. Yes, sir. Road blocks in paper form. A tree gave it’s life for this. Nothing more painful than the obligation of completing a form.

*Codependent relationship with IPhone. Technological pacifier is what it is. I hate my phone dinging off every 2 minutes! Under the palatial surface, I think it puts me on edge. And it’s touching me. Right…now.

Pass me a nerve pill, my regalia needs a break.

Thank you for reading.

Nature!!!!!!! A live shot from Connie’s backyard, free of charge.
Eastern shore, Maryland.

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Never Trust A Woman Who Has No Girlfriends

10 Sep

In 2008, I posted a piece called “Never Marry a Man Who Has No Friends“, which remains one of my top posts here on WordPress. Now, I’d like to follow up with a post about girl-friendless women.

At some point in a woman’s life, she learns that friendships with her girl friends are a saving grace. Romantic relationships come and go, but girlfriends are forever. Friends are our lifelines. In times of self-doubt, they supply us with adamant positive reinforcement. And most of all, girl friends celebrate.

These relationships keep us rolling with life’s punches. When I do something like resume communications with an ex-love interest, it is my girl friends that will listen and remind me of why I stopped communication to begin with, but most of all it won’t get thrown in my face later. They will not judge me or say “oh my god I can’t believe you just started talking with him again so easy, you said he was blacklisted.” I turn to my girl friends for advice, and vice versa. We have shared years and years of our lives.

You don’t expect your family to listen objectively, do you? ;-)

I’ve come across several girl-friendless women in my day. The one trait they all have in common, is low self-confidence. Securing the attention of a man/men is what lifts them out of their funk. To them, Girls night in, out, doesn’t make them feel warm inside. In fact, they see other women as competition. Needless to say, these types of people are not very much fun.

So if you know someone who doesn’t have friends, it’s usually not by chance.

Do you agree?

20120915-113504.jpg
My BFF since 10th grade

Shit Guys Say

19 Nov

One of the accounts I follow on Twitter is ShitGirlsSay, which is pretty darn funny.

Stereotyping, yes, but accurate.   And it made me think, hey what about the gentlemen?  What kind of cliches’ come out of their mouth?  So I thought about it…

  1. Is that the 3G or 4G?
  2. Check out those wheels
  3. No, I know where we’re going
  4. Do you still have your GPS?
  5. What?  She’s nuts.
  6. I never dated her.
  7. We just hooked up a few times.
  8. Do you want to be Anakin or Darth Vader?
  9. No, Slayer is still together. They just put out a new album.
  10. I have big feet.
  11. Can we talk about this later?
  12. I have to pick up some MAGNUMS.
  13. How about that game last night? Man!
  14. I turned the tv off after the 3rd inning/2nd half/etc
  15. I’m trying to grow it out

What else?

Free Advice: Looking for a Traditional Housewife

1 Oct

To:    79sparrows@gmail.com
Date:  Sept 30, 2010

Good evening.  My name is Gustavo.  Maybe you could point me in the right direction.  I’m a 39 year old man, single, and easy on the eyes.  I’ve never had a problem scoring with the ladies, but keep striking out when it comes to locking down ‘Miss Right.’  My last girlfriend was a sexy little biscuit, but didn’t want to cook or clean.

She was great in the sack and otherwise kind of clueless.  For the most part we got along great.  Then she told me:  Gustavo, just run over to McDonalds if you are hungry.  I don’t want to cook.”  Then she talked about her long day at work for what felt like the rest of the night.

I’m considering placing an ad on Match.com because I’d like a few children by the time I’m 47.  Is online dating a decent method for meeting chicks?  I just want the opportunity to make a special woman the luckiest wife in the world.
Best Regards,
Gustavo
*****************************************************
Gustavo,
The traditional gender roles you speak of have diminished greatly since the days of Ward & June Cleaver.    It may be difficult to find what you are looking for since most women work for a living, and therefore do not have the time or energy to prepare meals and clean, anymore than a man does at the end of the day. 
If you want a woman to fulfil such full-time roles as housekeeping and meal preparation, you should at least be able to provide financially, aka “bring home the bacon.”    Now, if you can can do that, you’ll probably have more luck finding a future wife, since some women prefer to be a stay-at-home mom, etc, and/or they are a gold digger who wants to live the easy life.   The latter, unfortunately may not be the best housekeeper or cook, either, since they don’t want to work as it is.

Well, those are your choices.

This article may also provide some insight.  ( “Wrong Reasons Men Seek Russian Brides: The Traditional Housewife Myth”)

Best of luck to you, Gustavo!
–79sparrows

Boundaries: Strip Clubs

27 Sep

I usually keep my mouth shut about strip clubs and the men who go to them.  If you’ve never been to a strip club, it is a place where women walk around semi-nude and also “dance” for dollars.  Depending on the quality of the club, lap dances may be available along with “other services” in the back room, or live “shows” between 2 women ‘dancers.’  (aka porn) 

Yes, the lines are already blurring. 
Depending on state/city laws, a lot can go on.

So when I hear one of my guy friends say they went to a strip club for ‘boy’s night out,’ I just listen and don’t think much about it.  Men love women and I’m sure it’s more fun to watch them walk around naked at a strip club,  than watch tv at a sports bar.  I get it. 

Now as far as men who are in a serious relationship/engaged/marry go, this is where it gets a little sticky for me.  (no pun intended.)  I appreciate a woman’s body too, it’s nice we live in a free country, etc etc.  But sitting in a skeezy strip joint with “Pour Some Sugar On Me” blasting is not where my man needs to be to appreciate women.  That’s right!  I said it.  I am not ‘cool’ when it comes to that.  And ladies, you don’t need to swallow your pride and be ‘down’ with those types of shenanigans if you really dont feel that way.   If it doesn’t bother you, that’s fine too.  But it bothers me! Hehe.  It’s NOT ok.   STRIP STEAK YES, STRIP CLUBS NO!

If a man needs to be close around naked women to appreciate their wife/gf, Houston we have a problem.  Obviously, something has gone horribly wrong in the communication center if your man is out looking at strange instead of doing something freaky with you to feed the flames of passion.  And if you believe your man is thinking about you in bed after a night out at Good Guy’s Strip Cabaret, you fell for another one. 

I may be labeled the ‘jealous’ type, but I’m not going out staring at other men’s penises during ‘Girls night out,’ either.  And I wouldn’t think that is a good sign about my relationship if I did.   

Is any of this making sense?   Where do you stand on the topic of your Significant Other going to strip clubs w/o you?  Gentlemen, I’d love to hear your opinions too.

the Real thing

8 Jul

My love for you is pure, 100%.  This is feeling is completely new to me.    It is effortless, it is easy.  No issue unspoken, no games.  I am an addict, but you are not a drug.  And at last, the love that has been so elusive is present and understated.  I’m glad there are no highs, no lows.  The connection between us is as perenniel as the morning glory’s bloom.  Drugs are illusions,  true love is real.   Thanks for not using me to detox from your life.   Thank you for not being phony,

I needed that.

“Sex makes me feel like a servant,

Love makes me feel like a slave”

–Henry Rollins

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