Because you always know what to say: A letter to Elliot Mintz

Elliot Mintz,

 
I first noticed you several years ago, when you served as Paris Hilton’s mouthpiece. I was a bit surprised because I pictured Paris as the type to have a younger, hip female public relations rep.

 
But Paris gave you unlimited opportunities to issue statements on her behalf, and time and time again, you were there. Standing there beside her, everyone listened as you spoke earnestly of whatever issue it was that day.

 

You are vague, yet firm. You offer little or nothing and still satisfy the press.
We know it is your words coming out of Paris’ mouth when she speaks of personal growth, learning experiences, and remorse. You know the power of acknowledging remorse.

 
Sometimes, during press conference 17 of the week, I see the look on your face, as if you’re wondering, “How did I go from representing John Lennon, to this?”   

 

Explaining that no, actually Hilton is great friends with Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears and she wishes them both nothing but happiness and good health. Yes, the Firecrotch incident-Mr. Brandon Davis’ outbursts the other night were in poor taste and certainly not shared by Hilton. And that baggie of green stuff photographed while she left her purse gaping open? Let’s not make hasty judgements.

 

” Things are not always as they appear. It would be unfair to draw any conclusions based solely on these photos.”

 
You rule, Elliot. Some of your lines are absolute gold. You tell them something, while also sorta reminding them it’s really none of their business. And it’s not.

 
I wish it was me standing next to you.  You could offer reasonable excuses when I need to call out “sick” from work.   You could field calls from guys I am not interested in and let them down easy without pissing them off at me. 

 

She looks safe standing next to you, the great wall of perfect PR.

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