Retro revival

on

In August 2008, I posted a blog titled “Never Marry a Man who has No Friends”.

It went over pretty well.
Readers either completely agreed, or got defensive on me in the comments.

  • One commentator by the name of ‘ballsdanglin’ said:  this was wriiten by a broad or a homosexual!
  • A wise reader named Ihatebernbrochu commented: Really though…NO friends usually translates into NO life and being “dependent” on someone to provide you with a “life”

  • A person by the name of “Captain” said: 99.999% of you are not worth marrying. Your “losers” are really…. YOU.

Duly noted.   Three years have passed, and sorry gentlemen, I still agree with myself.   Guys who can’t bond in a friendly manner with others make less than stellar partners.

But what do you think?  

5 Comments Add yours

  1. Ranne says:

    View from a Golden Timer: As I see it, a truly selfish man will either have no relationships (can’t be bothered with that degrading bonding nonsense–unless it applies to himself of course)…OR a little bevy of admiring -usually- opposite-sex- pals who are in stand by to aid in damning you should you dislike what you find behind the smoke and mirrors…OR we have the very outgoing bs artist who collects and discards random individuals (strictly based on their potential sacrifices to the narcissist). How to tell ,then? I think some good people can lack good social skills. I don’t think it’s the number of friends/lack thereof or even the length of the friendships. I do believe the past is the best indicator of a person’s future. I once dated someone who had an embarrassing habit of yelling at service people when things didn’t go exactly right..a habit which would prove to be a huge waving red flag. Healthy people generally LIKE other people! They try to do unto others. They hold themselves at least partially at fault for failed relationships. They can usually be counted on to be assertive without becoming angry and will phase out the poisonous pals without the bitterness. They will keep a good one or two if available but a true friend can be hard to find and most prefer quality over quantity.

    1. MB says:

      Amazing feedback.

  2. MB says:

    Hey Ranne….. thanks for the AWESOME response. You made some really insightful points. Wow.. You should be a psychologist.

  3. Kirsten Dieker says:

    I have read both the original blog as well as the update and all the comments. I think the feedback decrying the advice against friendless males pretty well speaks for itself I don’t know why it is not enough for people these days to simply say “I strongly disagree and here’s why…” or “This has not been my experience (either as a partner to a friendless male or as the friendless male himself) and here’s why…” Many people launch into a personally based diatribe against a perceived opponent. This is counterproductive, especially if this is the person’s m.o. off the internet and in their personal life (which it likely is) and it is also logically fallacious; ad hominem (to the person) attacks do not address the initial argument in any way, but are simply a lazy way to address situations and information that are deemed problematic in some manner. All that aside I think it is ill advised (in fact it is logically fallacious in itself) to make statements that rely on a never/always premise (although I see the stylistic or attention-grabbing merit for a title). I think it is possible to make some general observations, which the original post and the quoted source both did very well. As one comment noted, healthy people like other people . I say this as one who considers myself relatively healthy, indicated by the success of my range of relationships and ability to maintain a stable life. On the other hand, I am somewhat of an iconoclast who prefers solitude to time spent with others who do not share certain core values or general interests. Because my values and interests lie a bit outside the mainstream, I find It difficult to connect on a satisfying level with most people; because I value deep connection over superficial acquaintance, this means I find few people I care to develop friendships with. Perhaps this is why I treasure those friends I have made over the course of my lifetime. SOOO–I totally understand why a prospective mate might have a limited number of friends, and depending on what age and point in life one is encountering people in such a person will likely have the amount of time and energy to devote to friendships affected. For example a college-aged dude will likely have a great deal more time to hang out and make friends than a 40-year-old man with a couple of kids and career demands. “Having friends” involves a lot more than hanging out and spending face-time with people. So I would hope that even in the absence of leisure time a male at any point or in any event would have formed some level or amount of human connection over his lifetime. It’s not necessary to see or even speak with someone to maintain such a relationship. This is the case with my dearest friend, whom I met in fourth grade when she moved in across the street. Living across the country from each other means we only see each other every few years. We may go for six months without speaking over the phone. Facebook has made it easier to generally keep up with each other in the face of all other personal constraints. But the bottom line is that I know I could count on her to help me in any way she could should I really need her. She would be willing to drop everything to talk were I in a crisis. She cares about what happens in my life and always wants the best for me. And this is totally a two-way street. We’ve been there for each other for 40 years (yikes! it hurts to say this as I don’t even FEEL 40!). During this time we’ve supported each other through divorces, addictions and recoveries (on both sides), the challenges of raising kids, and the hassles of dealing with parents (and YES, these continue at our age!). I say all this to say, that FRIENDS ARE VERY IMPORTANT, no matter how many you have or how much contact you have with them. One blog respondent noted that marriage is a life-time commitment as though this makes it and friendship have nothing to do with each other. I believe that a person OF EITHER sex who had no friends would make a less desirable spouse. It is through friendship that we get in touch with our interests and learn to share them. We get to practice dealing with conflict and differences. We learn how to set boundaries and enforce them. We explore our capacities for empathy and mutual respect. We learn how to welcome people into our lives and sometimes how to let them go. My husband and I will celebrate our 15th anniversary next year. I know first hand that all the above mentioned traits are essential to marriage and our success in these areas have allowed us to have one that is very fulfilling and, at times, blissful. In fact, we often remark that it was our initial involvement solely as friends, really knowing and caring about each other before we became sexually intimate, that made all the difference between our relationship and all the ones that came before. In summary, I find it interesting and perhaps telling that in one comment most vociferously opposed to the blog’s central idea, the writer still claimed to have no friends, despite having a girl who is the center of his world. I would think that he would at least consider her his friend. I’ve heard the idea expressed many times that the ideal mate is “a best friend you want to have sex with.” And in my experience this bears out. But I ask you, how can one be a best friend with someone who doesn’t value friendship?

    1. MB says:

      Wow. Where have you been all my life? Thank you for sharing your thoughts… I will write back more later today as right now I’m supposed to be working. 🙂 THANK you Kirsten!!!! You make writing worth it.

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